Monday, December 14, 2009
Holiday Blues
Most people are thrilled for the arrival of the holidays. Me? I secretly dread them. The period between Thanksgiving and New Years has always been extraordinarily difficult for me, which is rather strange, since I actually LOVE these holidays. But this year, I just can't get myself into the holiday spirit.
There's this strange disconnect, in which I love them - especially Christmas - from afar. I love the holiday excitement. I love the lights, the decorations, the fantasy-like atmosphere of the Christmas season. At the same time, though, I feel like I'm always an observer, not a participant. And I think that that's why I sometimes dread this time of year. And I usually love giving gifts, but for the most part, I'm not doing that this year. And I don't want to get gifts. I just wish that the next 2-3 weeks would just pass by like any other time of the year, as if there wasn't anything special about it.
(The one thing that I truly hate about this time of year: the holiday car commercials featuring luxury car with giant bows on them. I'll hate them with ever fiber of my being until the day I die.)
There's this strange disconnect, in which I love them - especially Christmas - from afar. I love the holiday excitement. I love the lights, the decorations, the fantasy-like atmosphere of the Christmas season. At the same time, though, I feel like I'm always an observer, not a participant. And I think that that's why I sometimes dread this time of year. And I usually love giving gifts, but for the most part, I'm not doing that this year. And I don't want to get gifts. I just wish that the next 2-3 weeks would just pass by like any other time of the year, as if there wasn't anything special about it.
(The one thing that I truly hate about this time of year: the holiday car commercials featuring luxury car with giant bows on them. I'll hate them with ever fiber of my being until the day I die.)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
What I think about when I can't sleep
There are all sorts of thoughts that run through my head when I am awake at 3am. I think about the things that I have left undone. I think about the things that I want for the rest of my life. I wonder about how things would be if they were... different. I think about the things that I can and that I can't control. Especially the things that I can't control. I think a lot about regrets. I constantly wish that I could turn the clock back weeks, months, years. I think about things left unsaid, and things that I wish had been left unsaid. I ask myself "what if" and "why not" and "when" and "where." I rewrite history in my head. And all of these things: I think about them EVERY night. These are the wheels in my head that never stop turning. These questions never get answered, these problems are never resolved. They just cycle through my head ad infinitum.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)