My mom is sick. What was originally thought to be a pulled muscle in her back turned to be a broken vertebrae in her back. So she's been walking around for about a month in all sorts of pain. But that's the least of it. Since she didn't fall or experience any trauma, one has to wonder how it happened. There are several reasons why bones spontaneously break, and she'll be in the hospital for several days until the doctors figure out what the reason is.
Anyone who knows me knows that my mom and I have had our difficulties, but seeing her laying in a hospital bed makes me so afraid that I won't have time to make up for being a difficult daughter.
I've spent the last 2 days trying to make sure I have all of the current information from the doctors, making sure my dad is ok in the house by himself and is eating, trying to figure out "what's next."
So... yeah. There are so many "what if"s, and I am just having a tough time thinking about all of them. I've already established myself as the strong, taking charge one, but in reality, it's taking everything I have in me to not collapse into a fit of hysterics in front of everyone.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Except go to sleep so that I can head over to the hospital first thing in the morning.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Photo of the Day, 5/18/2010
Doing my civic duty.
(I forgot to post this yesterday!)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
(I forgot to post this yesterday!)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, May 17, 2010
Falling into place, finally
I haven't written here in a while. I've been hesitant from the very beginning to completely bare my heart and soul on a blog that anyone, anywhere could read. I thought it would be a good way for me to force myself to really think about the things that have been weighing on me over the last few months and years.
What I've realized, though, is that it's almost impossible to be completely open and honest here (or anywhere, for that matter). To lay bare all of the thoughts and worries that weigh on me would be to contradict what I've been saying to the people who care about me for months - that I'm fine and that I'm doing well. I've even gone so far as to stop seeing my friends because I don't want to give away the slightest hint that I'm not OK. And I've convinced myself that they don't want me around anyway, because I'm such a drag.
So now, I'm often painfully and frighteningly lonely. It's feeling that comes and goes in waves, some that feel like they're crushing me, but most of which seem to lap at my ankles. My only option is to just deal. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decisions that I did, and I can't go back on that now. I never thought that I'd say that I'm inherently a social creature, but I am. So to not be surrounded by friends and activity is difficult for me. But this new life is my choice. I have been pretty good at making the best of it, but it's still a difficult adjustment sometimes. So I am OK these days. I've picked up some new hobbies and resurrected a couple of old ones. I revel in being out and enjoying the spring weather. I think I still need a little more time to adjust, but things are falling into place now.
What I've realized, though, is that it's almost impossible to be completely open and honest here (or anywhere, for that matter). To lay bare all of the thoughts and worries that weigh on me would be to contradict what I've been saying to the people who care about me for months - that I'm fine and that I'm doing well. I've even gone so far as to stop seeing my friends because I don't want to give away the slightest hint that I'm not OK. And I've convinced myself that they don't want me around anyway, because I'm such a drag.
So now, I'm often painfully and frighteningly lonely. It's feeling that comes and goes in waves, some that feel like they're crushing me, but most of which seem to lap at my ankles. My only option is to just deal. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decisions that I did, and I can't go back on that now. I never thought that I'd say that I'm inherently a social creature, but I am. So to not be surrounded by friends and activity is difficult for me. But this new life is my choice. I have been pretty good at making the best of it, but it's still a difficult adjustment sometimes. So I am OK these days. I've picked up some new hobbies and resurrected a couple of old ones. I revel in being out and enjoying the spring weather. I think I still need a little more time to adjust, but things are falling into place now.
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