Backslide

I'm not really sure what happened, but I find myself back where I was 2 months ago.

Holiday Blues

Most people are thrilled for the arrival of the holidays. Me? I secretly dread them. The period between Thanksgiving and New Years has always been extraordinarily difficult for me, which is rather strange, since I actually LOVE these holidays. But this year, I just can't get myself into the holiday spirit.

There's this strange disconnect, in which I love them - especially Christmas - from afar. I love the holiday excitement. I love the lights, the decorations, the fantasy-like atmosphere of the Christmas season. At the same time, though, I feel like I'm always an observer, not a participant. And I think that that's why I sometimes dread this time of year. And I usually love giving gifts, but for the most part, I'm not doing that this year. And I don't want to get gifts. I just wish that the next 2-3 weeks would just pass by like any other time of the year, as if there wasn't anything special about it.

(The one thing that I truly hate about this time of year: the holiday car commercials featuring luxury car with giant bows on them. I'll hate them with ever fiber of my being until the day I die.)

Something else I've bee thinking about...

What I think about when I can't sleep

There are all sorts of thoughts that run through my head when I am awake at 3am. I think about the things that I have left undone. I think about the things that I want for the rest of my life. I wonder about how things would be if they were... different. I think about the things that I can and that I can't control. Especially the things that I can't control. I think a lot about regrets. I constantly wish that I could turn the clock back weeks, months, years. I think about things left unsaid, and things that I wish had been left unsaid. I ask myself "what if" and "why not" and "when" and "where." I rewrite history in my head. And all of these things: I think about them EVERY night. These are the wheels in my head that never stop turning. These questions never get answered, these problems are never resolved. They just cycle through my head ad infinitum.

Silence

It's just about 9pm, and I just realized that an entire day has elapsed without me talking to a single person. I don't really know how I feel about that, other than it just IS. I didn't make any attempt to talk to anyone; I had plans to go out today, and I just kept pushing them back an hour until it became too late.

And it's not the first time. I go through days at a stretch when I don't speak to another person, unless I go to work. Even then, sometimes I can go through a whole day without opening my mouth. This constant silence feels like it's almost smothering. I think that's why I always have to have music or the TV on all the time. At least I'm catching up on my podcasts.

A minor knitting rant

As I was getting ready to leave my aunt's after Thanksgiving dinner last night, my cousin asked about my Onerva scarf that I'd knit. She really liked it, and begged me to make one for her. (I've already made her Christmas gift, but I just might have to come up with a little something extra for her!) Anyway, my aunt's friend, who was also at the dinner, also commented on it, and then asked me to knit not one, not two, but THREE items for her. I looked at her somewhat in disbelief, as she said that she would like a triangular scarf, a regular scarf, and then a cardigan sweater. I even said to her that I hated knitting sweaters, and that I have yet to finish the one that I started for myself back in March. She oh-so-kindly responded that she could wait until after Christmas. Dude, I'm not even knitting scarves for my family members, who I know and love because they take too darn long. There's no way that I'm going to knit all this stuff for my aunt's friend, since I barely know her! But seriously... she just made her requests like it's no big deal.

(OK, rant over.)

I'm a fan of knitting, but this is a bit much...

The bike racks outside my favorite coffee shop have new "decorations." It's ...uh... interesting. (P.S. Apologies for the poor photo quality. I took these with my phone camera as I was walking to work.)

 It reminds me of the "sweater trees" that I've heard of recently. Also NOT a good use of knitting skills and time.

Rittenhouse Square Holiday Decoration Update

Yay! There will be holiday decorations in Rittenhouse Square this winter after all! Crisis averted!

Photo of the Day, 11/17/09

NY comes to Philly.

Just a little holiday cheer, please?

I just read that yet another of the casualties of the City's budget crisis is Rittenhouse Square, or, more specifically, the Square's holiday lights. In years past, one of my favorite things about the winter is walking through the Square and seeing the giant Christmas balls in the trees. For someone who seriously suffers in the winter due to lack of sunlight, the holiday decorations in the Square, along Market Street, along Broad Street and at City Hall gave me an infusion of much-needed cheer and levity.

Each and every year, I'd walk around the city and "ooh and aah" over the lights and snowflakes. It would start to be when I felt the "Christmas Spirit." Without those symbolic representations of the season, the winter and the holidays just won't be the same. And this year, more than any other year in the past, I feel like I need the "Christmas Spirit" to lift my spirits.

I know that times are tough for all, but if you can, please help make sure that the holiday lights (at least in Rittenhouse Square) shine bright this year, as they have in the past.

Photo of the Day, 11/8/09

Masonic Temple, Broad St.




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Photo of the Day, 11/7/09

Extreme cuteness!!

Act the Way You Want to Feel

That's far easier said than done.

Night Owl

I've always had pretty bad insomnia. But over the last couple of weeks, it's gotten worse and worse. I've pretty much been functioning on about 4 hours of sleep a night. I thought that eventually I'd *have* to sleep because my body would be so exhausted, but no such luck. My body just won't rest. And I can't turn my brain off. A month or two ago, I thought that I had just the right combo of sleep aids to get to sleep at a reasonable time, and get a good night's rest. But now, nothing seems to work. Not soothing music, not white noise, not NO noise. Not laying in bed for an hour, not moving to the couch, not turning on mindless TV. I try reading, knitting, writing... nothing works. Not sure what else to do. I give up.

Real Photo of the Day, 10/29/09

An unexpected visit from Laurie was just what I needed!

Photos update

You might notice that my photos aren't coming up in order. I've been really lax about posting them lately. I've been taking a lot of pictures, but I haven't been in the mood to upload them all from my camera, and then decide what to post.

I've also noticed that I will take a hundred pictures one day, and then zero the next. So I'm going to bend my own rules and allow myself a one-week window to use/post photos.

More to come...

Photo of the Day, 10/19/09

Yummy chocolate and raspberry deliciousness that S and I shared at Max Brenner. It took me a while to get this one up...

Photo of the Day, 10/30/09

Self Portrait.

Something to amuse me

This made me chuckle, and I needed a chuckle today.

Photo of the Day, 10/29/09

Broad St buildings showing their support of the Phillies! (I have another PotD, but it's on my camera and I was too lazy to dowload it to my computer.)



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Words to Live By

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about - no, agonizing over - life, and where it's going, what it all means, what my place is in the universe, what does it mean to love and to be loved, and on and on and on... And no matter how much time I've spent obsessing over these things, I'm no closer to any sort of resolution than when I started. All I've ended up with are stress-induced migraines, shoulders stiff with anxiety, heartbreak, and an extra 15 pounds.

I found a link through the Happiness Project where someone started listing words and phrases to help them learn how to live in the present; to find happiness and joy in that particular moment, and not dwell on tomorrow or next week or next year. The author of the Happiness Project stresses that everyone's project is different, but I think one of the most valuable lessons revolves around learning to find peace in the way that things are right now. It's important to focus on growth in and the future, but not to the extent that that itself causes angst.

So here are a few thoughts on living in the present. I'm going to try really, really, really hard to live by these suggestions. And I'm hoping that some people out there have some suggestions to add.

First, the don'ts:

1. Don’t plan. Planning is an attempt to control the world around us, but it’s a futile attempt. Throw out your plans, for now at least until you’ve decided this method isn’t for you. What do you do instead? More on this below. For now, just stop planning.
2. Don’t worry about the future. Will something bad happen? Are there things coming up that we must anticipate and prepare for? Of course, if there’s a massive hurricane headed your way, you should probably get ready. But otherwise, just realize that the future is unpredictable, and worrying about it is a waste of time. Focus on right now, and you’ll always be able to handle what comes.
3. Don’t have expectations. If you expect people to act a certain way, or hope that things will turn out a certain way, you’ll always run into problems. Forget about outcomes for now. Go into things without expectations, and they will always turn out perfectly (if a bit messy).
4. Don’t get annoyed when others act a certain way. Don’t expect people to act any way other than how they actually act. They are exactly the way they should be — even if that’s selfish or weird or aggressive. Those are their problems. Your problem is figuring out how you should act. I’d also advise you to try to understand others — why do they act the way they do?
5. Don’t overreact. This is a major problem when people plan and things go wrong — they overreact, and get upset and emotional and blow things out of proportion. Stay calm, because if things “go wrong”, they didn’t actually go wrong — they just happened. More on how to react below.
6. Don’t try to be proactive. This is a common prescription (being proactive) in management and business literature. And while I think the general idea is fine — do something to prevent problems from recurring rather than just fixing them after they happen — one of the problems this creates is always worrying about what might happen. And creating solutions before there are problems — if there never is a problem, you’ve wasted a lot of time creating the solution, and a lot of energy worrying about the future.

And now for the dos:

1. Do be open. What would it be like to go into each day without a plan, but just to see what happens? A bit scary, because of the lack of security and control, a bit chaotic perhaps, a bit like we’re a piece of driftwood floating in the middle of a churning sea. But in truth, this is what it’s like to go into each day *with* a plan — it’s just that we normally fool ourselves about the amount of control we have. So start the day with no plan, and be open to what emerges in each moment.
2. Do what you love. So what should you do, now that you have no plan? Do what you’re passionate about, do what excites you right now. Create something amazing. Pour yourself energetically into a project. Build something new. And what you think you’re creating might turn out to be completely different from what emerges, but you’ll have fun doing it and something even better might be revealed.
3. Do act, in the moment. Giving yourself to the moment doesn’t mean being passive and just letting life happen. It means acting, but doing what is best at this moment, what you are excited about right now, what needs to be done, in the present.
4. Do respond appropriately. Life happens, and we must respond. But instead of overreacting, we can respond calmly and appropriately. We can take the action that’s required, fix the problem, do what’s necessary to prevent it from happening again, and move on without it ruining our day.
5. Do accept. Accept what happens. It might not be what you considered ideal, but it’s what life has given you, what has resulted from your actions in an unpredicatable world. Accept it, respond, act, move on. Don’t get caught up in things not going your way, but accept that’s what has happened.

P.S. Also check out this guy's "Happiness Commandments."

Constant Reminders

It's so difficult, painful, and frustrating that even the smallest things remind me of something that I'm trying desperately to forget. An innocent comment by a friend, a book on a desk. And these are the things that linger; it's impossible to shake them once they're in my head.

Musings On Photography

Today, I walked. I just set out without direction, without a plan, without any thought beyond "I have to keep moving." And I ended up here.

The Ben Frankin Bridge has always been one of my favorites - if not my absolute favorite - landmark in Philadelphia. I think that part of it stems from the project that I made in 12th grade physics, where we made models of bridges out of balsa wood, and competed to see how much weight they could hold before breaking apart (my bridge came in 3rd in the state).

Then there was the elective course that I took as a senior in college on the evolution of structural engineering and the relationship to how bridges are built. That's where I became familiar with and fascinated with the Golden Gate Bridge, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, and of course, the Ben Franklin Bridge. I learned about the architectural and aesthetic challenges that the architects designing those bridges faced. I also learned about the profound social and economic impacts that new bridges had on the communities that used them.

I honestly think that in another life, I was a civil engineer or something, because to this day, I let out a little gasp every time I see it, and my eyes are locked onto my bridge. The Ben Franklin. It reminds me of home. It reminds me of where I've been, and where I'm going next.

Climbing

Hahahahahaha!

Photo of the Day, 10/28/09

Time to have some fun!




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About those photos

I'm still working on the Photo of the Day project, but I might not have a photo for *every* day. But, everywhere I go, I I look at things differently now. There are a lot of pictures out there, just some that aren't worth looking at.

Detangling

I have taken for granted the way that this "digital age" makes it so easy for people to stay connected. Keeping up with friends through Facebook, Twitter, their blogs (via a feed reader, of course), Flickr and the like makes information about anyone available through a variety of sources. And then add the corresponding iPhone or Blackberry apps - the ever-present devices where one can text, check e-mail, or even call to keep in touch - and you can find out anything about anyone, anytime. That's great when you want to keep in touch with where people are and what they're doing, but when you don't necessarily want to, it becomes really hard to disentangle yourself from the constant stream of information about them (seriously, G, I don't need to know the minutiae of every single second of your day through Facebook, your Gmail chat status, and Twitter). It's sensory overload; it almost necessitates total radio silence so that you don't have to think about which feeds into what, or that this syncs with that... It's enough to make one long for pre-smartphone days, when you weren't linked to everything, and where you didn't have access to everything all of the time. So I think I'm going to go back to an earlier time. No more Tweeting. No more Facebook. No more Google Chat. No more following blogs on the sly. I'm going to go back to the tried and true phone call (and e-mail) to keep in touch with people.

Realization

Despite the difficulty of the last week or so, I'm sure that I've made the right decisions. I'm more confident that I did the right thing for all involved. There's still a sadness that I don't think will ever go away, but it's a deep, dull ache, rather than the sharp debilitating pain that I felt before.

Photo of the Day, 10/25/09

What can I say... I like the sky.

Photo of the Day, 10/23/09

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Yet another reason why I love Michelle Obama

Laura Bush would have never done this!

Fall is here, thus apple picking is required

Since it might be too cold for apple picking this weekend, how's this as an alternative?

Secrets

Most of the time, when someone has a secret that they know they're not supposed to share, they let it out to at least one other person, just so that they don't have to carry the burden of that knowledge themselves. Also, usually the secret-teller in truth wants that information to get out, but they're just not ready or willing to let it out publicly. And then there are the secrets that have to be left unspoken, because the implications of that information getting out are just too dire.

I have one of those secrets, and I am being crushed under the weight of it. It's making me miserable, but there would be disastrous consequences if I let it out. So I am stuck with this one option. I have to just hold it in.

Photo of the Day, 10/10/09

Taken today (10/10/09) at the church after Dave and Danika's wedding. An example of some of my favorite things: geometric shapes, mosaics, windows, and natural light.

Photo of the Day, 10/9/09

Edited: These were fun to take. S has this set of chess pieces that he got in Russia years ago. He finally dug them out of storage, and they're getting some major action. As I was photographing them, I was imagining these scenarios and conversations that the pieces were having with each other.


Redacted:
I.O.U. I took a couple of awesome shots on S's camera. I just need him to send them to me...

Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

The nonstop discussion everywhere I've gone today has been about the Nobel Peace Prize being awarded to President Barack Obama. As everyone well knows, there are some rather sharp divisions among people about whether or not he is deserving of the award. A lot of people - Obama supporters and detractors alike - think that he hasn't yet fulfilled any of the promises that he made during his campaign to reduce the proliferation of nuclear weapons, to improve Israeli-Palestinian relations, and to overall improve the US' international image. He talked a big game, but he hasn't delivered yet. That, and it's only about 8 months into his term.

All of these things are true. But I think that he deserves the Peace Prize not for what he has accomplished in terms of getting closer to the goals that he set during his campaign, rather that he has inspired and mobilized the US population and people around the world to make a renewed effort to carry out these tasks. This is akin to his "Yes We Can" and "Hope" philosophies; I think President Obama has inspired people in a way that they have not been inspired in years - if not at all.

I understand fully that there are years ahead of us before we are no longer at war, and before there is no longer a fear of attacks by nuclear weapons, and before we can say that any or all of these goals have been met. But I think that universally, there's a renews sense of optimism that these things will happen. Before Obama was inaugurated - as soon as he was elected President, in fact - I felt this complete shift. The second he started working on his transition, I knew that US foreign policy would become a completely different beast, that I would no longer fear the words and actions that came out of the Oval Office.

Anyway, I could go on and on and on about how I feel about this, but I'm suddenly exhausted. BUT - as President Obama said, this is a call to action. This is his chance to 'put his money where his mouth is.'

"...I know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes.

"And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st century." -President Barack Obama, 10/9/2009

Appreciating Philadelphia through the eyes of a European visitor

A lovely article from a visiting knitter.

Scary

I'm not usually one of those "I'm so old that I remember..." people, but I thought that this was pretty funny considering a recent conversation that I had with a co-worker who is a full 10 years younger than me. And it IS just a little bit freaky that the current senior class at Baldwin AFTER 1990. Anyway, D, this is for you!

Photos of the Day, 10/7/09

I'm just going to call this series "Observatory and then some with Jane."

Barnes Update #2

The Art Commission approved the design for the new Barnes museum today. I'm rather amazed that they approved it unanimously. NO ONE had a problem with it?!? Come ON people!! Anyway, construction could start as soon as next month.

More on the Barnes...

The Times architecture critic Nicolai Ouroussoff has thrown in his two cents on the discussion about the new Barnes Museum. He was far less diplomatic than Inga Saffron, which I'm rather surprised by. She doesn't usually mince words or cut designs that are lacking any slack.


More photos of the site can be found here...

Photo of the Day, 10/5/09

New Barnes Museum on the Parkway

The Barnes Foundation has finally announced their plans for the new museum which is slated to be built at 21st St. and the Ben Franklin Parkway. Let's put aside the fact that I still have really mixed feelings about the relocation of the Barnes at all. I love its' current setting, in a quiet, tree-lined neighborhood, far away from the craziness of the Downtown Philadelphia area.

I can appreciate, however that it's distance from Center City is a hindrance to its' financial longevity. I get that. SO, on to the new location. I do think that the future home of the Barnes collection is in a great spot - if it has to be moved. I love the idea of growing our museum district on the Parkway. AND, the previous occupant of that parcel of land, the Youth Studies Center (a fancy name for a juvenile prison) just didn't fit. I understand the necessity of having such an institution, and I also understand that no one else particularly wants it, but a prison sandwiched between the majestic main branch of the Free Library and the Rodin Museum?

Anyway, the new design was announced, and Inga Saffron commented on it in today's Inqy. I don't have any particularly strong feelings about the building; it was designed to fit in unobtrusively to the landscape, but it's more than unobtrusive - it's kind of blah. I also wonder why there couldn't be more windows. I mean, I think the LAST thing we possibly need is another cement or brick or whatever box sitting along the street. There are some windows, but they don't quite alleviate the sense of being an impenetrable box, nor can it possibly allow that much natural light in to the gallery itself.

Also, I think they could have done so much more in terms of making sure that the new museum fit in cohesively with the existing landmarks on the Parkway. Hello - they're going from this beautiful building designed by Paul Cret to a box. That's it. I'm actually getting more irritated the more that I think about it. By the way, the French architect Paul Cret designed the building that the Barnes collection currently resides in, AND he designed the Rodin museum, which is essentially right next door to the future home of the Barnes collection. Tod Williams and Billie Tsien couldn't come up with anything better that would somehow bridge the gap between the old and new?

Anyway, I think I need one more trip to the "original" Barnes before it closes for good. As most of my friends know, Impressionist Art is one of - if not my favorite - genre, and I just love being in that space. It will be nice that it's closer to where I live; hopefully the new location won't require a reservation made in advance to see the exhibits!

Photos of the Day, 10/3/09

I was on a 'sky' kick yesterday. It was partially the clouds; they were big and fluffy, and looked as if I could just pluck them out of the sky. Later in the day, close to sunset, the clouds were still big and fluffy, but they'd taken on this orange-ish hue that evoked a Maxfield Parrish painting.

The third picture doesn't really go with the first two, but I also love the Philly skyline. This one was taken from S's roof deck. Pretty!

Photo of the Day, 9/30/09

So, I wasn't supposed to retroactively post photos of the day. BUT, since they're my rules, and rules are made to be broken, I'm going to share a couple of my pics from the last week.

I like this picture because it sort of represents how I feel so much of the time. Life is just whizzing by me, and it's all happening so fast that I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I'm missing. It's all a blur, but sometimes that's ok. It's almost like squinting your eyes to make something familiar or routine look a little different. It lacks definition, but at the same time, you can appreciate the ability to not focus on the details.

Made in Brooklyn

After a last minute change in plans, I skipped Friday's stitch party at Loop, but I did go to one of the knitting classes that author Jared Flood was teaching today! I'm going to dork out for a minute, and say how much fun it was to go to this class! I don't think I'm ever going to become a regular sweater knitter - I don't have the patience for it, nor do I really want to knit items that really scream "I knit this myself!"

Anyway, it was a fun way to spend part of the day. I met a couple of cool people (and I'm keeping these new friends to myself, kiddo), and I learned a new skill, and I got to avoid irritating familial obligations.

I bought his new book of patterns (and had it autographed), and there are a couple of things that I can't wait to try. But that's all for post-Christmas...

P.S. I think I may have come up with the perfect knitted Christmas gift for that certain friend who likes to tease me for my hobby. I can't wait!!

Photo of the day, 10/2/09

So I was a slacker. I skipped the last two days. Wednesday, I was in such a foul mood that I couldn't even think about taking pictures. Yesterday, I actually took quite a few pictures, but I think they all turned out terribly, so there's no point in posting them.

Today's photo is one of my favorite subjects. For some reason, I always enjoy looking at, photographing, and otherwise studying City Hall. Almost every time I go past it, I'm reminded of how beautiful and majestic it is. This pic was taken on my phone from the back seat of a cab as I was on my way home from S's.




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Photos of the Day, 9/29/09

I couldn't decide which one to post, so I went with both!



The stairs of the Residence from the ground floor. Anyone who is familiar with Frank Furness' architecture will know that one of his signatures is the use of the exposed 'skeleton' of a building. The steel and rivets used to support the stairs are a focal point of the design, rather than the infrastructure that ends up being hidden.



I just thought this pattern was beautiful - it's a tapestry-like fabric, that evokes the Moroccan tile that I was so obsessed with when I visited there.

Eugénie Grandet, by Honoré de Balzac

I just finished reading Eugénie Grandet, after having started it *months* ago. It came highly recommended, as de Balzac is one of B's favorite authors. Admittedly, I found it a little bit difficult to really get into it, because it moved really slowly, and - more importantly - none of the characters were particularly compelling.

The story is that of this miserable old miser, who has built up his fortune from nothing by a series of wily business deals that were legal, but ethically questionable. He has absolutely no qualms about manipulating those around him to increase his fortune, and many of the other notable residents of his little village are more than happy to BE used and manipulated because they want to marry his daughter Eugénie, and hence his money.

This miserly old man has a devoted wife and daughter who he forces to live in a state of poverty so that he doesn't have to relinquish the slightest bit of his fortune in order to benefit their quality of life. In fact, if his wife and daughter are more important to him than his gold, it is only because of their status as "assets" to him. His wife had her own fortune, to which Eugénie is the sole heir.

Rather than recount the whole story, I'll just direct you, my lovely readers, to a summary, but I think my main issue with the book was that none of the characters were particularly likable.

Monsieur Grandet is a mean, spiteful, manipulative, abusive man, who cares more for his bank balance and the acquisition of money, even to the extent that it endangers the life of his dutiful wife.

Madame Grandet is a meek martyr of a woman, who is incapable of standing up to her husband. While I understand that it's very much a sign of the times (the novel was set in 1817), it's still immensely irritating that she essentially wrings her hands and plays dumb through the entirety of the novel.

Eugénie Grandet is also spineless, and has inherited quite a bit of her mother's martyr-ish-ness. She often denies herself happiness or pleasure both to please her father and to spite him, truly only hurting herself in the end. She ends up inheriting both of her parents' fortunes, but in the end, she's living the exact same life of austerity and isolation that she led in the beginning. She marries for convenience, but is widowed young, and is left with nothing but her inheritance, which (I think) she resents, unlike her father who worshiped his fortune.

I realize that not every story has a happy ending all tied up in a neat little bow, but Eugénie Grandet was depressing from start to finish. AND, there was no character development through the entirety of the book; almost every character was the exact same person at the end of the book as they were in the beginning.

So, that's my "review" of Eugénie Grandet. I'd give it a 2 out of 5 stars. It was well written, but that wasn't enough to get me to actually care about any of the characters.

Photo of the Day, 9/28/09

I've seen this guy tooling around the neighborhood a few times, and I think it's really amusing how he wears a motorcycle helmet rather than a bike helmet. (I know it's a crappy picture; they'll improve, I promise!)

Photo of the Day, 9/27/09

S mentioned that the sky was beautiful after it cleared up from today's storms. I decided to go out and document it, and voila.

Comfortably Numb

And I'm not talking about the Pink Floyd song.

This describes the way that I feel far better than I could ever describe it myself.

I found the link to this post from The Happiness Project, which H has been talking about for quite a while. I have to admit that I haven't really been paying too much attention to it, but perhaps it deserves another look...

Photo of the day, 9/26/09

This needs no explanation!




Although other than the awesome concert, the other highlight was the middle aged couple two rows in front of us. They were hysterical!


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Photo of the Day, 9/25/09

I got home in the wee hours of the morning, so I'm just getting around to posting the picture from last night. Introducing, my new best friend Cassie!

She and her owner were sitting at the table next to us at Triumph last night. She was so cute and so friendly, I just wanted to snatch her up and run away with her!!

P.S. Sorry about the picture quality; she wouldn't sit still long enough for a good picture!

Photo of the Day, 9/24/09

J celebrating the 250th anniversary of Guinness as only an Irishwoman can!

Culture and Education

I spent this evening at the Free Library of Philadelphia at the launch of the 2010 "One Book, One Philadelphia" project. The kick-off event was headlined by the author of this years' selection, Marjane Satrapi. Her 2-book series of autobiographical graphic novels (or "comics" as she insisted they be called), "Persepholis" is going to be the foundation upon which literacy, educational, and cultural events are built over the next year.

The first volume caught my eye several years ago, when it was first published in English. At the time, I was at the peak of my Iran fascination. I read and watched everything that I could about life in Iran. Of particular interest was the time during and immediately before and after the Islamic Revolution, and how the revolution affected the lives of Iranian women.

I was like a sponge. I needed to read everything and anything written about the era. I consumed every autobiography and memoir that I could get my hands on. I read books written by Iranian women, as well as books written by Western women (mostly journalists) about their experiences there.

So when the first volume of "Persepholis" came my way, I pounced. It told the story of a young Iranian girl sent to Europe to school during the Revolution, and the second volume followed with her journeys back to Iran. The story of her life was touching and heartbreaking at the same time, with a sprinkling of levity that could only come from the format. Satrapi's drawings are simple yet full of personality and emotion. It's amazing to me how the characters in a graphic novel (ahem, comic) can so clearly evoke happiness, sadness, fear, homesickness...

I have to admit that I was a little bit starstruck when I reached the front of the line to get my book signed. I completely forgot to ask her the question that I had in mind. But it's no matter. I have a new treasure - autographed (first edition!!) copies of Persepholis volumes one and two. And more importantly, I can't wait to hear about the schedule of events for "One Book, One Philadelphia" 2010!

Photo of the day, 9/23/09

I saw this at an exhibit at the Free Library today, and it made me chuckle. The detail doesn't show up too well b/c the battery on my real camera died, but the detail is needlepoint! And the title of the item is "20 pieces."

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A new initiative

I have come to two conclusions. First, that I don't use my blog enough. Second, that when I DO blog, it's lately been sad and depressing. SO, in an effort to turn both of those things around, I'm going to start posting a picture of the day. I have just two rules for this project: I have to take the picture myself, and I have to take it that day. No digging through archives of old photos for this project. An added benefit (I hope) is that I'll be able to brush up on some of my photography skills as I go along.

Today's picture to come...

My new "project"

S and I decided today that we need to do some sort of weekly activity that gets us out and about. I mean, S is one of my closest friends, and we always have fun, but most of the time that we spend together is at a bar or restaurant or dinner party with a small group or friends. And don't get me wrong, I love those sort of outings, but I really do need to interact with more people outside of my really insular group of friends.

SO, S and I decided that we're going to do something once a week that gets us out of our friend cocoons. We're already off to a good start. We're going to a concert this week and next week. Then there's "Science on Tap" or something, and then there's an open house at the Drexel observatory.

Anyone have suggestions of fun, preferably inexpensive things to do around the city? Things that don't necessarily require a regular commitment, but that get us out and give us the chance to potentially meet new people. I'm determined to have more fun, so I need some help! And if anyone's interested in joining on any of these excursions, come along!!

(P.S. I think I need to come up with different nicknames for friends. I just realized that both this post and the previous one mentioned "my friend S." Only thing is, they refer to 2 different S's. Hm... nicknames to come...)

I.O.U.

So yesterday my friend S commented that my last post was very depressing. I promised him that my next post would be more upbeat. Unfortunately, S, I can't do that today, but I owe you one. I'll deliver on that as soon as possible.

Great big old sigh

I've realized that, while I want to blog when I'm in a good mood, I generally don't because I'm too busy out and about having a good time and doing things that I enjoy. It's only when I'm not in a good mood and being out and active are the last things that I want to do that I feel an urge to write.

Maybe it's because I have all of these feelings that start to stew inside my head and heart. Maybe it's because when I AM out with people I feel incapable of letting them out, and the pressure builds and builds until it gets to the point where I just burst. It happens every few months, and I know that what I should be doing is consistently letting a little bit of steam off at a time, but I don't know how to do that.

So now, I'm bursting. The steam has built up inside of me to a point that can no longer be contained. And there's no letting it out bit by bit. It just explodes out of me uncontrollably, completely drowning me in it.

In the end, what it all boils down to is that I just feel like I don't belong. There's nowhere that I really FIT. I don't BELONG to anyone - not my parents, not my friends, not a SO. I'm just totally on my own, and it's such a miserable feeling.

But at the same time, I know that, in a few days, I'll start to feel like my old self again, and I'll go back to doing the things that make me happy, if it's an impermanent happiness.

What I really, really, really want, though, is that type of happiness that is pure and all-consuming and fulfilling; the kind that spontaneously brings a smile to your face; the kind that drives you to bounce out of bed in the morning ready to embrace the new day. I don't have that. I've never had that. I just wish that I could figure out how to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me. Maybe if I did, then I'd be able to figure out where I belong. Maybe I could have faith in myself and in my abilities. Maybe I'd know what it feels like to be loved.

But until then, this is my bursting-steam-pipe-week. My heart is full. I just need to let it all out, and reset, and then start all over again.

At my limit.

I'm having a tough time supporting someone who is themselves going through a hard time because I am constantly reminded of some of my own past problems. I almost don't know how to help this person without turning into a blubbering mess myself. I know that this is not about me, and I'm trying really hard to focus on that fact so that I can be there for this person, but it's been really difficult thus far.

What about personal responsibility?

I was discussing this recent news story with my coworker CL today about how this woman actually sued her college because she hadn't found a job in the three months since she graduated. She blamed the career services department, and claimed that they didn't do enough outreach and networking on her behalf.

CL commented that she thought it was a pointless suit because this grad's inability to get a job wasn't the "fault" of the school, but rather the fault of the economy, and that the current economic situation means that unfortunately a lot of graduates are struggling to find work in their fields. CL also commented that, unfortunately, due to the economy recent grads and job seekers in general are often obliged to take jobs for which they are over-qualified, but that's an unfortunate side-effect of the recession. This grad implied that jobs in the retail and service industries were beneath someone like her.

While I agree with what CL said, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this lawsuit-happy recent grad is completely delusional, and has a ridiculous sense of self-importance. She place the onus of finding a job on the school alone. It seems like she seriously expected to put in the minimum amount of effort and still have jobs thrown her way.

And while I don't want to make any personal attacks on this woman, she has a GPA of 2.7. Unfortunately, that doesn't make her an outstanding candidate on paper. And since there are far more candidates for fewer jobs, I'd think that a less-than-stellar GPA would drop her name down a few slots on a potential employer's list of candidates. So she should, with that knowledge, really try a bit harder to show off her positive attributes.

People FAR more experienced and qualified than this woman have gone months and even years without finding "the right" position. The ones that I know have made some really serious efforts to find a job - any job or jobs - that will get them through the next couple of lean years.

Hopefully this woman will take a good, hard look at herself AND the world around her and realize that even in the best of times, we don't always get what we want when we want it, much less in times like these. And because of that, everyone - job-seekers and working people alike - unfortunately have to work harder to get what they want, and sometimes get less than what they want.

Sting, why do you tempt me so?

Oh Joy of Joys! I opened my e-mail inbox this morning to see a message from the Philadelphia Orchestra announcing a concert that they were putting on with Sting! Yay! I love Sting. I think his music is deeply moving at times, and at the same time, it can be rather catchy and mainstream.

So my disappointment was palpable when I find out that the tickets (for the January 2010 show) are going to be $200 a pop! OUCH. So what if it's their anniversary concert? Sting and Philadelphia Orchestra, why do you tease me so?

Movie-inspired spontaneity!

Saturday afternoon, S, C and I went to see The Hangover. If you haven't seen it, stop what you're doing right now, and go see it. I don't care if it's the middle of the day. I don't care if you're at work or school. Just get up and go, and you won't regret it!

For those of you who don't know, The Hangover is about 4 friends who go to Las Vegas for one guy's bachelor party, and then of course, craziness ensues. From the very first scene, it was hilarious! So off-the-wall and crazy, but each and every ludicrous moment had a huge side of truth to it!

Anyway, after the movie, we went to get a bite to eat, and then decided to hop in the car and drive to Atlantic City! It was SO much fun! Other than going to Caesars, the similarities to the movie ended there. We gambled a bit (S won, C and I did not), and played in the ocean. We took a really fun ride on the boardwalk in a rolling chair with a driver who was either drunk on life, or drunk on alcohol.

I realized two things after this adventure. First, I really, really, really need to do more fun, crazy spontaneous things! Second, I heart Bradley Cooper.

I have a substance abuse problem...

Is there rehab for people addicted to yarn?



Although almost all of the yarn that I bought today are for Christmas gifts. I realized that it'll take me until Christmas to knit all of the gifts that I want to make.