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Monday, May 17, 2010
Falling into place, finally
I haven't written here in a while. I've been hesitant from the very beginning to completely bare my heart and soul on a blog that anyone, anywhere could read. I thought it would be a good way for me to force myself to really think about the things that have been weighing on me over the last few months and years.
What I've realized, though, is that it's almost impossible to be completely open and honest here (or anywhere, for that matter). To lay bare all of the thoughts and worries that weigh on me would be to contradict what I've been saying to the people who care about me for months - that I'm fine and that I'm doing well. I've even gone so far as to stop seeing my friends because I don't want to give away the slightest hint that I'm not OK. And I've convinced myself that they don't want me around anyway, because I'm such a drag.
So now, I'm often painfully and frighteningly lonely. It's feeling that comes and goes in waves, some that feel like they're crushing me, but most of which seem to lap at my ankles. My only option is to just deal. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decisions that I did, and I can't go back on that now. I never thought that I'd say that I'm inherently a social creature, but I am. So to not be surrounded by friends and activity is difficult for me. But this new life is my choice. I have been pretty good at making the best of it, but it's still a difficult adjustment sometimes. So I am OK these days. I've picked up some new hobbies and resurrected a couple of old ones. I revel in being out and enjoying the spring weather. I think I still need a little more time to adjust, but things are falling into place now.
What I've realized, though, is that it's almost impossible to be completely open and honest here (or anywhere, for that matter). To lay bare all of the thoughts and worries that weigh on me would be to contradict what I've been saying to the people who care about me for months - that I'm fine and that I'm doing well. I've even gone so far as to stop seeing my friends because I don't want to give away the slightest hint that I'm not OK. And I've convinced myself that they don't want me around anyway, because I'm such a drag.
So now, I'm often painfully and frighteningly lonely. It's feeling that comes and goes in waves, some that feel like they're crushing me, but most of which seem to lap at my ankles. My only option is to just deal. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decisions that I did, and I can't go back on that now. I never thought that I'd say that I'm inherently a social creature, but I am. So to not be surrounded by friends and activity is difficult for me. But this new life is my choice. I have been pretty good at making the best of it, but it's still a difficult adjustment sometimes. So I am OK these days. I've picked up some new hobbies and resurrected a couple of old ones. I revel in being out and enjoying the spring weather. I think I still need a little more time to adjust, but things are falling into place now.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Phanatic Photopalooza (aka Photos of the Day, 4/29/2010)
At the Kimmel Center...
At Paine Plaza...
At 15th & Market...
At the Comcast Center...
At the Franklin Institute...
...aaaand at the Free Library of Philadelphia!
Whew!
P.S. Why could I not find the one located the closest to me - at the Art Museum?
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At Paine Plaza...
At 15th & Market...
At the Comcast Center...
At the Franklin Institute...
...aaaand at the Free Library of Philadelphia!
Whew!
P.S. Why could I not find the one located the closest to me - at the Art Museum?
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Saturday, April 24, 2010
Photo of the Day, 4/24/2010
The Phillie Phanatic at Rittenhouse Square!
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Photo of the Day, 4/18/2010
The Phillie Phanatic at the Please Touch Museum!
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 16, 2010
Travel Goals
I always thought that it was interesting that people I knew wanted to achieve the goal of traveling to every single continent, or every state in the US, or whatever may have interested them. And while It would be nice to say that I'd been to every continent, It's far more important to me to visit quite a few destinations, several of which are on the same continent, or on a continent that I've already visited.
Then an article about the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio caught my eye. I've always thought that it's an absolutely fascinating object, and I've always wanted to visit it. I realized that it's on the list of the New 7 Wonders of the World!
I also started thinking about how I've always been fascinated by the Seven Ancient Wonders, to the extent that I took a class in undergrad about translating the basic themes of the ancient wonders into modern times, and studying how things like the first subways, skyscrapers, dams, and suspension bridges were marvels in their own right, because many of them were constructed without any of the tools that are in use today, like motor-controlled engines, electrical lines, cranes, etc.
So the Modern Wonders... THAT'S MY LIST! Everything on the list is something that I've wanted to visit anyway. This is so cool! Despite the fact that I have no really, immediate travel plans, it's a starting point, and I'm suddenly so very excited!!
The wonders are:
Giza Pyramid Complex in Cairo Egypt (the only remaining Ancient Wonder, and probably my first destination)
Chichen Itza in Yucatan Mexico (my parents have already been there)
Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
The Colosseum in Rome, Italy
The Great Wall of China
Machu Picchu in Cuzco, Peru
Petra in Jordan (maybe I could go here at the same time I go to Egypt)
Taj Mahal in Agra India (since everyone who knows me knows that I've been obsessed with India, this destination clearly would be one of the first that I'd go to)
So, who's with me? I'm thinking Egypt in summer 2010. Where to next?
Then an article about the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio caught my eye. I've always thought that it's an absolutely fascinating object, and I've always wanted to visit it. I realized that it's on the list of the New 7 Wonders of the World!
I also started thinking about how I've always been fascinated by the Seven Ancient Wonders, to the extent that I took a class in undergrad about translating the basic themes of the ancient wonders into modern times, and studying how things like the first subways, skyscrapers, dams, and suspension bridges were marvels in their own right, because many of them were constructed without any of the tools that are in use today, like motor-controlled engines, electrical lines, cranes, etc.
So the Modern Wonders... THAT'S MY LIST! Everything on the list is something that I've wanted to visit anyway. This is so cool! Despite the fact that I have no really, immediate travel plans, it's a starting point, and I'm suddenly so very excited!!
The wonders are:
Giza Pyramid Complex in Cairo Egypt (the only remaining Ancient Wonder, and probably my first destination)
Chichen Itza in Yucatan Mexico (my parents have already been there)
Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
The Colosseum in Rome, Italy
The Great Wall of China
Machu Picchu in Cuzco, Peru
Petra in Jordan (maybe I could go here at the same time I go to Egypt)
Taj Mahal in Agra India (since everyone who knows me knows that I've been obsessed with India, this destination clearly would be one of the first that I'd go to)
So, who's with me? I'm thinking Egypt in summer 2010. Where to next?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Photo of the Day, 4/14/2010
Anyone who knows me remotely well knows that I love my high school. So much that I've been on the Alumnae Board for about 6 years now.
Today I amazingly had enough time after a doctor appointment to get to Baldwin a little early for my monthly board meeting. And as I was meandering down the hall looking at some of the student artwork, class projects, and sports updates, I noticed this mosaic.
This mosaic is made up of tiles from each of the members of the class of 2014. It was made 2 years ago, and each tile shows the students' personalities and hobbies and beliefs, and as I was looking at it, I saw the diversity in the student body. Some were musicians, some were athletes, some wrote bible verses, and some wrote in other languages. And then in the middle is the symbol that shows that - despite these differences -they are still all Baldwin girls.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Today I amazingly had enough time after a doctor appointment to get to Baldwin a little early for my monthly board meeting. And as I was meandering down the hall looking at some of the student artwork, class projects, and sports updates, I noticed this mosaic.
This mosaic is made up of tiles from each of the members of the class of 2014. It was made 2 years ago, and each tile shows the students' personalities and hobbies and beliefs, and as I was looking at it, I saw the diversity in the student body. Some were musicians, some were athletes, some wrote bible verses, and some wrote in other languages. And then in the middle is the symbol that shows that - despite these differences -they are still all Baldwin girls.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 9, 2010
Crisis of Faith
One would have to be living under a rock the last couple of weeks (actually, the last decade or two) to not know that there's a serious crisis going on within the Catholic church. Particularly over the last couple of weeks, I have been struggling to comprehend what I feel about the Catholic church. While sexual abuse by priests is (beyond unfortunately) nothing new, the more and more I hear about these crimes, the more I question the men charged with guiding the Church.
I am a practicing (for the most part) Catholic, although I've always disagreed with some of the tenets of the Church's teachings. I have always been able to look at issues like homosexuality, abortion, contraception, and so many other hot-button issues as topics that I could disagree with the Church about, but still be able to retain my belief and faith in the core values of what the Church teaches us.
Particularly in the weeks leading up to Easter, I had a really difficult time thinking about the significance of the holiday. I couldn't go to church because I'm starting to question the sincerity - the holiness - of the priests who lead the Mass. How can I possibly rely on the leaders of the Church to set the example for me to follow if there's no guarantee that they're leading a Christ-like life?
While I completely understand and believe that there are far, far more good priests than there are pedophile priests, but the growing evidence that for decades, these criminals have been sheltered from prosecution, allowed to continue ministering to their parishes, and have NOT been defrocked sickens me. I wonder what roles the priests that I have respected and admired in the past have played - if any - in this debacle. Father L., my childhood parish priest, the one who baptized me? What about my priest in college, Father R., who served as a grandfatherly figure to so many of his college parishioners. And Cardinal B., who I considered a giant among men. And finally, JPII. A pope who I had the good fortune to bless me not once, but twice. The first of those two times, he actually placed his hand on my head to bless me as my mother held her baby up to him.
But did he play an active role in protecting these priests? What did he know? How could these holy men, the leaders of my faith, decide that protecting these horrible priests was more important than protecting children in the church? How could COVERING THIS UP help the church and its parishioners more than making an example of these criminals and showing that the church that professes to protect the vulnerable actually abides by that philosophy?
One of the other, really terrible side-effects of this is that I wonder if the priesthood was really the right choice for my college friend who is now Father G. While I know that he entered the priesthood with the purest of hearts, the purest of intentions, and a strong desire to both learn more and teach others about his faith, I worry that a dark cloud hangs over him, as one hangs over all of the other GOOD priests in the world. I feel as though I'm losing faith in my religious leaders. And that's not the way that I want to feel. Faith is supposed to give you peace, make you stronger, give you something that you know you can rely on. And I can't do that anymore.
For me, this isn't a debate about whether priests should be allowed to marry, or whether women should be allowed to be priests. That really has nothing to do with it. Rather, it's all about how the Church as an institution has made a massive failure out of its attempts to hold pedophile priests accountable for their actions, both spiritually AND legally. The Church has lost the trust of its followers all over the world, and this is a trust that they'll never be able to get back. And I therefore find myself in the terrible position of trying to figure out what this means for me. I've been asking myself that question for quite some time now, and I'm still nowhere near an answer or solution. Maybe what I do is just bypass the 'intermediaries' and just seek guidance and peace from the man upstairs myself.
I am a practicing (for the most part) Catholic, although I've always disagreed with some of the tenets of the Church's teachings. I have always been able to look at issues like homosexuality, abortion, contraception, and so many other hot-button issues as topics that I could disagree with the Church about, but still be able to retain my belief and faith in the core values of what the Church teaches us.
Particularly in the weeks leading up to Easter, I had a really difficult time thinking about the significance of the holiday. I couldn't go to church because I'm starting to question the sincerity - the holiness - of the priests who lead the Mass. How can I possibly rely on the leaders of the Church to set the example for me to follow if there's no guarantee that they're leading a Christ-like life?
While I completely understand and believe that there are far, far more good priests than there are pedophile priests, but the growing evidence that for decades, these criminals have been sheltered from prosecution, allowed to continue ministering to their parishes, and have NOT been defrocked sickens me. I wonder what roles the priests that I have respected and admired in the past have played - if any - in this debacle. Father L., my childhood parish priest, the one who baptized me? What about my priest in college, Father R., who served as a grandfatherly figure to so many of his college parishioners. And Cardinal B., who I considered a giant among men. And finally, JPII. A pope who I had the good fortune to bless me not once, but twice. The first of those two times, he actually placed his hand on my head to bless me as my mother held her baby up to him.
But did he play an active role in protecting these priests? What did he know? How could these holy men, the leaders of my faith, decide that protecting these horrible priests was more important than protecting children in the church? How could COVERING THIS UP help the church and its parishioners more than making an example of these criminals and showing that the church that professes to protect the vulnerable actually abides by that philosophy?
One of the other, really terrible side-effects of this is that I wonder if the priesthood was really the right choice for my college friend who is now Father G. While I know that he entered the priesthood with the purest of hearts, the purest of intentions, and a strong desire to both learn more and teach others about his faith, I worry that a dark cloud hangs over him, as one hangs over all of the other GOOD priests in the world. I feel as though I'm losing faith in my religious leaders. And that's not the way that I want to feel. Faith is supposed to give you peace, make you stronger, give you something that you know you can rely on. And I can't do that anymore.
For me, this isn't a debate about whether priests should be allowed to marry, or whether women should be allowed to be priests. That really has nothing to do with it. Rather, it's all about how the Church as an institution has made a massive failure out of its attempts to hold pedophile priests accountable for their actions, both spiritually AND legally. The Church has lost the trust of its followers all over the world, and this is a trust that they'll never be able to get back. And I therefore find myself in the terrible position of trying to figure out what this means for me. I've been asking myself that question for quite some time now, and I'm still nowhere near an answer or solution. Maybe what I do is just bypass the 'intermediaries' and just seek guidance and peace from the man upstairs myself.
Photo of the Day, 4/9/2010
I think this might be my earliest PotD yet!
This is what I saw when I walked out my door this morning. THIS is why I love spring!
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This is what I saw when I walked out my door this morning. THIS is why I love spring!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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