Great big old sigh

I've realized that, while I want to blog when I'm in a good mood, I generally don't because I'm too busy out and about having a good time and doing things that I enjoy. It's only when I'm not in a good mood and being out and active are the last things that I want to do that I feel an urge to write.

Maybe it's because I have all of these feelings that start to stew inside my head and heart. Maybe it's because when I AM out with people I feel incapable of letting them out, and the pressure builds and builds until it gets to the point where I just burst. It happens every few months, and I know that what I should be doing is consistently letting a little bit of steam off at a time, but I don't know how to do that.

So now, I'm bursting. The steam has built up inside of me to a point that can no longer be contained. And there's no letting it out bit by bit. It just explodes out of me uncontrollably, completely drowning me in it.

In the end, what it all boils down to is that I just feel like I don't belong. There's nowhere that I really FIT. I don't BELONG to anyone - not my parents, not my friends, not a SO. I'm just totally on my own, and it's such a miserable feeling.

But at the same time, I know that, in a few days, I'll start to feel like my old self again, and I'll go back to doing the things that make me happy, if it's an impermanent happiness.

What I really, really, really want, though, is that type of happiness that is pure and all-consuming and fulfilling; the kind that spontaneously brings a smile to your face; the kind that drives you to bounce out of bed in the morning ready to embrace the new day. I don't have that. I've never had that. I just wish that I could figure out how to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me. Maybe if I did, then I'd be able to figure out where I belong. Maybe I could have faith in myself and in my abilities. Maybe I'd know what it feels like to be loved.

But until then, this is my bursting-steam-pipe-week. My heart is full. I just need to let it all out, and reset, and then start all over again.